Hilarious if literal: arms race
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Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.