HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
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I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”