HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
You Might Also Like
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*