WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
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Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Management tip – only hire bald guys. They don’t have anything going on besides work.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.