@LostCatDog

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

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@GianDoh

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

@QwertyJones3

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

@emily_murnane

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

@PinkCamoTO

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

@ESXIII

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

@theDapperilla

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

@nnnatchos

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

@Chhapiness

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

@juliussharpe

Management tip – only hire bald guys. They don’t have anything going on besides work.

@JKNenagh

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.