HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

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My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.

Then I eat them all by myself.

Screw those kids.


HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?


If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, then expect a long sentence.


Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on

Christian Bale: What?


The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.


at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back


My work day has been like the movie Sound of Music. But with less singing. And more Nazis.


11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.


I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’


God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name lol.

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?