@OldFolkProblms
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
@TheHyyyype
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
You Might Also Like
@OldFolkProblms
@daemonic3
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
@omgthatspunny
If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, then expect a long sentence.
@ThatFellaKev
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
@WilliamAder
The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.
@GrantTanaka
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
@carlyken
My work day has been like the movie Sound of Music. But with less singing. And more Nazis.
@perfumegenius
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
@Robert_Beau
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
@NewDadNotes
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?