@TheHyyyype

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

You Might Also Like

@OldFolkProblms

My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.

Then I eat them all by myself.

Screw those kids.

@daemonic3

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

@omgthatspunny

If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, then expect a long sentence.

@ThatFellaKev

Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on

Christian Bale: What?

@WilliamAder

The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.

@GrantTanaka

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

@carlyken

My work day has been like the movie Sound of Music. But with less singing. And more Nazis.

@perfumegenius

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

@Robert_Beau

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

@NewDadNotes

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name lol.

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?