HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
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“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
got so much cardio in today
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.