Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
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Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land