Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting