Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
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If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
this is literally a CIA plant
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.