Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
You Might Also Like
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: a man is in my house
me: idk. how would i know that
me: he didn’t answer
911: describe him
me: he’s large
911: is he tall
911: give him my number 🙂
me: what’s your number
911: are u serious
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I just picked a Chapstick up from my bedside table, spent 30 seconds trying to get the lid off with my teeth, then realized it was a battery
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.