him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha


me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

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Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut


[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.


The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?


Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.


911: what’s your emergency?

me: a man is in my house

911: who

me: idk. how would i know that

911: ask

me: ok


me: he didn’t answer

911: describe him

me: he’s large

911: is he tall

me: yea

911: give him my number 🙂

me: what’s your number

911: are u serious


Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.


Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN


Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this


I just picked a Chapstick up from my bedside table, spent 30 seconds trying to get the lid off with my teeth, then realized it was a battery


My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.