@TheAndrewNadeau

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

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@stonedcoldlazy

Today marks 5 yrs of being smoke free!! Now I spend my time finding new places to hide the bodies of those who’ve pissed me off!

@robin_991

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

@mstern68

If you were my gf, I’d have a warm bath and a meal ready for when you got home every day

Her: I’m your wife

Like I said, if you were my gf

@WordUpBitch

The second I feel pressured to do something, I’m out of there faster than a dog who hears his name and knows it’s bath time.

@LosLos__

HR: You said: You’re “moist” welcome?

Me: Autocorrect.

HR: You’re fine.

Me: Sweet!

HR: I meant: you’re fired. Autocorrect.

@Holy_Mowgli

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

@okimstillhungry

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

@QwertyJones3

What kind of underwear do women wear in Japan? JAPANties!

WIFE: See what I mean?

JUDGE: Yes, I’m going to grant this divorce

@LoveNLunchmeat

Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.