My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
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Today marks 5 yrs of being smoke free!! Now I spend my time finding new places to hide the bodies of those who’ve pissed me off!
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
If you were my gf, I’d have a warm bath and a meal ready for when you got home every day
Her: I’m your wife
Like I said, if you were my gf
The second I feel pressured to do something, I’m out of there faster than a dog who hears his name and knows it’s bath time.
HR: You said: You’re “moist” welcome?
HR: You’re fine.
HR: I meant: you’re fired. Autocorrect.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
What kind of underwear do women wear in Japan? JAPANties!
WIFE: See what I mean?
JUDGE: Yes, I’m going to grant this divorce
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.