Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
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My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.