@SaltyCorpse
You know what’s great about being in your 40s?
Hang on. Lemme walk back into the last room I was in so I can remember…
@MissHavisham
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
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@SaltyCorpse
@joeljeffrey
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
@HomeWithPeanut
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
@Quartzjixler
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
@carlyken
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
@AndyAsAdjective
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
@Chumpstring
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
@The_Dingus_Khan
[superhero training school]
Him: So what’s your power?
Me: Uh, I can walk through any wall or surface. I don’t really like to though.
Him: Wow, why not?
Me: ʙᴇᴄᴀᴜˢᴇ ᴍʏ ᴄʟᴏᴛʜᴇˢ ᴅᴏɴ’ᴛ ғᴏʟʟᴏᴡ ᴍᴇ
Him: hmm?
Me: BECAUSE I END UP NAKED ON THE OTHER SIDE OKAY
@ShortSleeveSuit
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
@skullpuppy11
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.