You know what’s great about being in your 40s?
Hang on. Lemme walk back into the last room I was in so I can remember…
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
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Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
[superhero training school]
Him: So what’s your power?
Me: Uh, I can walk through any wall or surface. I don’t really like to though.
Him: Wow, why not?
Me: ʙᴇᴄᴀᴜˢᴇ ᴍʏ ᴄʟᴏᴛʜᴇˢ ᴅᴏɴ’ᴛ ғᴏʟʟᴏᴡ ᴍᴇ
Me: BECAUSE I END UP NAKED ON THE OTHER SIDE OKAY
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.