@MissHavisham

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

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@SaltyCorpse

You know what’s great about being in your 40s?

Hang on. Lemme walk back into the last room I was in so I can remember…

@joeljeffrey

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

@HomeWithPeanut

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

@Quartzjixler

I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.

@carlyken

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

@AndyAsAdjective

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

@Chumpstring

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

@The_Dingus_Khan

[superhero training school]

Him: So what’s your power?

Me: Uh, I can walk through any wall or surface. I don’t really like to though.

Him: Wow, why not?

Me: ʙᴇᴄᴀᴜˢᴇ ᴍʏ ᴄʟᴏᴛʜᴇˢ ᴅᴏɴ’ᴛ ғᴏʟʟᴏᴡ ᴍᴇ

Him: hmm?

Me: BECAUSE I END UP NAKED ON THE OTHER SIDE OKAY

@skullpuppy11

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.