@MissHavisham

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

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@dragonsorbet

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

@duplicitron

Hey lady I have bad news for you someone thought your hair was noodles and left their chopsticks in it.

@jabba_jabba_jaw

Hug your children. Hug your friends and family. Hug the cashier at Chipotle. Hug someone else’s children. Hug the arresting officer.

@Roxtalled

Found out the name of my neighbor’s cat.

In other news, I now have free internet.

@robfee

Finding Nemo (2003) A father is criticized for being overprotective after his wife & kids are murdered & his only surviving son is kidnapped

@NoorShamma

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

@PostCultRev

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that