Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
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You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…