[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
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Hey lady I have bad news for you someone thought your hair was noodles and left their chopsticks in it.
Education is vital
Hug your children. Hug your friends and family. Hug the cashier at Chipotle. Hug someone else’s children. Hug the arresting officer.
Found out the name of my neighbor’s cat.
In other news, I now have free internet.
me: [hitting the space bar]
hot alien: hey
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Finding Nemo (2003) A father is criticized for being overprotective after his wife & kids are murdered & his only surviving son is kidnapped
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.
Or tweet trying, to understand men.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that