him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
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*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
The cashier just checked me out.
iPhone X
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.