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@NYorNothing: Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
@SICKOFWOLVES: I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
@elizaskinner: I work like this:
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
"What's wrong honey?"
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
@Rhythms_n_Booze: Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
Me: Seriously? You forgot already??
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don't get orange.