Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

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Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.


Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”


Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming


I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*


If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.


Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.


me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?


Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses


Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?