I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
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Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Either the kids on my street were playing with sidewalk chalk, or this is a crime scene and a bunch of stars and cats just got murdered.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
the three most popular activities in ancient greece:
3) debating the meaning of life
2) performing theatre
1) having sex with zeus
Every morning when the alarm goes off, I wake up & say “it’s time to chase my dreams!” & then I press the snooze button & go back to sleep.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.