Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
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Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I’m Sold!
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security