Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

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I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.


I contend that for the last 25 years, language has been softened for easier consumption by the masses.

Murder Hornets:

Me: *deletes Tweet*


Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.


Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do


My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.


I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.


MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.


Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.


I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.


According to my dad the top three crimes of all time are:

3. Arson
2. Murder
1. Standing there with the goddamn door open letting all the heat out