It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
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STOP! Im a black belt in Shaq Fu!
Jesus, were these heads slam-dunked? Where r the bodies?
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.