@Megatronic13

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

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@ninjadinosaur1

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

@Amusitr0n

*bullies advance*
STOP! Im a black belt in Shaq Fu!
<laughter>

*detectives arrive*
Jesus, were these heads slam-dunked? Where r the bodies?

@doritoburritho

[using ouija board]

Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed

H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

@jjax44

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

@LoveNLunchmeat

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.

@Midgetspar

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

@AndyAsAdjective

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.