Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
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Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?