Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
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Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Me, in DM rooms…
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib