Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
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Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger