@ramblinma

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

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@garrettbarry70

Accidentally changed neighbor to neighbour and now I’m saying stuff like “bloody hell” and “brilliant”

@KalvinMacleod

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

@Midlifecrisis18

My son didn’t call while I was on the road today so I’ll just be here in my hotel room playing ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’ on repeat.

@SPAC3CRAF

Please do not power off or unplug your machine. Installing update 45 of 9484727192873828277362517293847265127826262827262726273633833727…

@JJSummertime

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

@goldengateblond

HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!

@TrueTorontoGirl

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

@BlaineBruce

My dog plays this fun game where she holds her bladder until she gets inside the house

@TheRealNickKay

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”