Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

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Accidentally changed neighbor to neighbour and now I’m saying stuff like “bloody hell” and “brilliant”


ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember


My son didn’t call while I was on the road today so I’ll just be here in my hotel room playing ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’ on repeat.


Please do not power off or unplug your machine. Installing update 45 of 9484727192873828277362517293847265127826262827262726273633833727…


These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.


HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!


Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.


My dog plays this fun game where she holds her bladder until she gets inside the house


Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”