him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
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My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it