HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

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Don’t try to squeeze love out of them, sweetie. They’re people, not oranges.


No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.


today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower


My tax dollars pay for those public school proms. I’m going to them.


Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you


I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.


5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.


If you ever need 15 minutes of peace and quiet from texting, tell her to send a selfie.