HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
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Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
some things should go without saying
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights