@sarawrencomedy

HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

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@SilverKick

Don’t try to squeeze love out of them, sweetie. They’re people, not oranges.

@Alvildalikely

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

@chlosephine_

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower

@HelloCullen

My tax dollars pay for those public school proms. I’m going to them.

@MooseAllain

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

@Mindless4Miles

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

@dadmann_walking

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

@elvisknievil

If you ever need 15 minutes of peace and quiet from texting, tell her to send a selfie.