@SexySpainNights

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

You Might Also Like

@ArfMeasures

Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing

@truegritrumble

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

@meganamram

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

@wandering_leaf9

*Me & dog*
*duel for the last piece of chicken*
*tosses a stick to distract*
*fetches the stick*
*chicken is gone*

Well played Peanut…!!

@EBenita0517

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

@brynnester

Boss: *introducing me to new co workers* This is Linda. She always answers the phone
Me: How are you Linda?
Linda: The phone
Boss: See

@iwearaonesie

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

@mexinonblonde

*jumps on stage and snatches up mic and screams*

LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR, LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!

*gets escorted out of church*

@SentenceReduced

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]