I win all of my breakups by not getting fat.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: No, I’m fine, why?
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Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
*Me & dog*
*duel for the last piece of chicken*
*tosses a stick to distract*
*fetches the stick*
*chicken is gone*
Well played Peanut…!!
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Boss: *introducing me to new co workers* This is Linda. She always answers the phone
Me: How are you Linda?
Linda: The phone
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
*jumps on stage and snatches up mic and screams*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR, LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!
*gets escorted out of church*
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]