Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
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I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.