Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
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For the ones in the back.
So we got a goldfish…
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?