Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

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henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back


“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.


You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.


Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom


Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what


I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.


“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.


Nobody invites me to spa day…

Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.


Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?



Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )