@SufficientCharm

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

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@KeetPotato

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

@junejuly12

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

@slyoung5

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

@pilau

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

@krisv_723

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

@mommajessiec

“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.

@AimeeHelene1

Nobody invites me to spa day…

Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )