Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
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I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA