henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
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“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )