Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
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Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Living the best life.. 😊
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”