@IamEveryDayPpl

Him: “Are you single?”

Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”

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@yassinovic89

Gf: am I pretty or ugly?

Bf: you’re both hun 🙂

Gf: what do you mean both?

Bf: you’re pretty ugly.

@parkersJoking

Right now the parents of the kid who climbed Trump Tower are thinking “Damn I knew we shouldn’t have given him that REI gift card”

@LurkAtHomeMom

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

@BlakWidowBarbee

Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.

@MandiAtRandom

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

@mdob11

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

@climaxximus

[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?

@kentgrossarth

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

@MavenofHonor

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY