Gf: am I pretty or ugly?
Bf: you’re both hun 🙂
Gf: what do you mean both?
Bf: you’re pretty ugly.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
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Right now the parents of the kid who climbed Trump Tower are thinking “Damn I knew we shouldn’t have given him that REI gift card”
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no
[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY