@FrenulumBreve

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

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@TheCatWhisprer

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

@qwertying

When used as directed, Axe Body Spray makes a good substitute for tear gas.

@beefman138

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

@FranticFox

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

@SondraDeeMe

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

@sgrstk

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

@ericsshadow

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

@thedad

ME: Ugh, the cat left another one by our bed.

HER: He thinks it’s a gift! I’ll clean it up.

ME: It’s fine, I’ll do it. *Carefully scooping up notated articles on how cats were revered in Egypt*

@omgshuddup

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?

@aveuaskew

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions