Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
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casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age