My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
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ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no