Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
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true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Extremely relatable.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!