him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
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Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one