him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
You Might Also Like
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
what are they serving at kfc then???
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.