Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
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Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.