Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

The holidays are always tough on me….

One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.

Still haunts me.

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?

Me: recently?

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.

My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

me: I need to learn about clams

librarian: you can find them under C

me: I need to learn more than that

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.