Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
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Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
I bet birds love this building.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
My wedding will be open casket.