@TitansHomer

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

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@BoogTweets

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

@ReticentTurnip

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

@suzieQ0007

Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?

@dragonsorbet

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

@ericsshadow

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

@roxiqt

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

@armyVet1972

Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.

@Jenny4ashley

Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.

@PaperWash

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

@juliussharpe

I was at the beach and the lifeguard blew his whistle at me. Dude, I’m 40. I’m not listening to a teenager in a bathing suit.