*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
You Might Also Like
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I was at the beach and the lifeguard blew his whistle at me. Dude, I’m 40. I’m not listening to a teenager in a bathing suit.