Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
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I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.