Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
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mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn