him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
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My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years