Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
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i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.