Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

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Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”


i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle


Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.


“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids


Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes

Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode

Me: What?

Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?

Me: Why are you being like this?

Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone


ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work


“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?


All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.


Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.