@djdarrellripley

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

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@shariv67

“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”

@ArfMeasures

LEADER: Welcome to Sarcasm Club

ME: I thought this was Gullible Club

L: No..but we’re all SO happy you’re here

M: That’s so nice thanks!

@TylerLinkin

According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.

@PleaseBeGneiss

no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.

@KandyKoehn

construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again

@GrahamKritzer

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

@FauxFawx

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

@jordan_stratton

[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]