Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

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“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”


LEADER: Welcome to Sarcasm Club

ME: I thought this was Gullible Club

L: No..but we’re all SO happy you’re here

M: That’s so nice thanks!


According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.


no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.


construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again


I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.


[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*


[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]