Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
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Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Guilty! 🤪
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.