Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
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I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast