@thelateinnings
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
@GroovyTasia
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
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@thelateinnings
@trojansauce
[my fitness dvd]
ME: *lifting cans of soup as weights* im using minestrone but you can use pretty much any kind
@dafloydsta
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
@squirrel74wkgn
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
@Writepop
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
@EugeneMirman
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
@animesvns
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
@PatsATweetin
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
@daemonic3
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
@WheelTod
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away