@GroovyTasia

Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones

Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas

Him: You’re unbelievable!

Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?

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@thelateinnings

[mattress commercial]

husband: i like value

wife: but i want comfort

announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299

@trojansauce

[my fitness dvd]
ME: *lifting cans of soup as weights* im using minestrone but you can use pretty much any kind

@dafloydsta

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

@squirrel74wkgn

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

@Writepop

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

@EugeneMirman

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

@animesvns

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

@PatsATweetin

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

@daemonic3

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

@WheelTod

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away