Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones

Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas

Him: You’re unbelievable!

Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?

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[mattress commercial]

husband: i like value

wife: but i want comfort

announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299


[my fitness dvd]
ME: *lifting cans of soup as weights* im using minestrone but you can use pretty much any kind


Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.


Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.


“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center


Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.


The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one


Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…


ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?


I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away