Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
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Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.