him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
You Might Also Like
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone