@Babasnookie

Him: Describe our relationship in two words
Me: Our what?

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@man_in_radiator

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.

@distracdad

Paper plates were invented by a guy whose wife asked him to do the dishes once.

@yassinovic89

What if Aliens don’t want to visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

@weinerdog4life

The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs

@AndrewChamings

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

@TheAndrewNadeau

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

@Izianikapani

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

@klimtsonian

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

@LizHackett

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.