My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Him: Describe our relationship in two words
Me: Our what?
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Paper plates were invented by a guy whose wife asked him to do the dishes once.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
What if Aliens don’t want to visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
“this bloodline dies with me”
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.