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When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay