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@Babasnookie: Him: Describe our relationship in two words
Me: Our what?
@Petote: Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
@panmidwest: Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put "who rescued who?" stickers on your car... you drive me crazy!
Clearly it's "who rescued whom?"
@Bobby_Corwin: Checkmate, Flat Earthers
@olerunkbitch: I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
@Parkerlawyer: I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.