@Gooooats

Him: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.

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@3sunzzz

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

@MomofTeen

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

@_sunshine25_

EATS clean for a week, loses 2 pounds.
DRIVES by a donut shop, gains 5.
This is some bullshit.

@BraandoCommando

Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you

Me: I just have a hard time understanding

Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money

@heymonroe

*notices girl singing song that’s on in coffee shop*
Me: You’re a Cher fan too!?
Her: Hold on
*takes off bluetooth*
Her: What?
*dies alone*

@UncleDuke1969

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

@sophielou

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

@blade_funner

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

@polyhumorous

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

@loudmouth_usa

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.