Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Him: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
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Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
EATS clean for a week, loses 2 pounds.
DRIVES by a donut shop, gains 5.
This is some bullshit.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
*notices girl singing song that’s on in coffee shop*
Me: You’re a Cher fan too!?
Her: Hold on
*takes off bluetooth*
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.