13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
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One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I think we should hear other voices.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf