HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
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You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then