@WineMummy

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

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@buck4itt

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

@underchilde

[First Date]

Me: “So what do you like to do when you’re not working?”

Her: *Drifts in and out of consciousness*

Me: “Me too!”

@yupkirsten

friend: i need some advice.
me: *swooshing my cat through the air while making rocket noises* you’re at the right place for that

@CyrusOMerican

[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?

@aguywithnolife

Not sure which is worse, the CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch saying he doesn’t want ugly people wearing his clothes or that people still wear A&F

@rudy_mustang

computer: enter password

me: mypulloutgame

computer: password weak

all 8 of my kids: daddy why are you crying

@yungshoelace

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

@ChrisScarlette

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

@Book_Krazy

Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!

ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.

HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!

ME: That’s fine

@FU_TangClan

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke