Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
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[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
seems fine
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I’m sure it’s fine.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.