Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
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Me: “So what do you like to do when you’re not working?”
Her: *Drifts in and out of consciousness*
Me: “Me too!”
friend: i need some advice.
me: *swooshing my cat through the air while making rocket noises* you’re at the right place for that
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Not sure which is worse, the CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch saying he doesn’t want ugly people wearing his clothes or that people still wear A&F
computer: enter password
computer: password weak
all 8 of my kids: daddy why are you crying
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke