Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
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Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
my one true gender
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Cat.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.