Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
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Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”