Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
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A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Realize this:
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Breaking news:
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.