HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
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If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
That 👊
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.