I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
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[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were